Christmas with Calvin and Hobbes
by Swing123
Summary: Calvin and Hobbes celebrate the countdown to Christmas in these four stories.
1. The Great Decoration Battle

_Dear Santa,_

_I think I finally figured you out! After all this time, everything is clear to me, now, about how you tick! Before today, I would spend hours wondering and guessing how you're able to deal with the stress of delivering toys to every single kid on this entire planet within twelve hours. How you were able to fit billions upon billions of toys into one red bag and how only eight magical reindeer would be capable of keeping it airborne. How you're able to afford all the raw material for your elves to make toys out of! Well, now I've finally worked it out! You work with interdimensional energy and time travel don't you? When you run out of time when you're delivering presents, you use the Time Vortex to go back to the beginning of the twelve hours and continue where you left off! And that's how you're reindeer work, isn't it? They've absorbed so much energy from the vortex, they're able to fly, now! And you're bag of toys is just a fancy hypercube, isn't it? It stores all the presents you need, and you just have to fetch them when you get to the houses! Interdimensional energy also explains how you get down everyone's chimney's, too! The only thing I haven't worked out, yet, is where you got you're elves. They're either from a parallel universe of midgets or they're aliens from another galaxy with no other source of income. I'm sure I'll figure it out, sooner or later._

_Anyway, on to my Christmas list. I've included a seven volume set in this year's package. I have alphabetized and created a index for your convenience. Please study it carefully, as last year I only received three items that were on my previous list. None of which were any form of nuclear or otherwise explosive weaponry. I'm sure you've gotten more organized this year, so you won't mix my order up and give me socks and underwear again._

_Sincerely, Calvin_

Calvin chewed on his pencil eraser and read over his letter.

"Perfect!" He grinned.

He then turned and looked down at the side of his desk, where there sat a stack of paper that was as tall as he was.

"Now, I just have to find a box big enough to mail this in," He said, jumping off his chair, and walking out of the room.

"Hey, Mom!" Calvin called, as he came down the stairs. "I'm mailing my Christmas list to Santa, now. Where do we keep our boxes?"

"There should be some empty ones down in the basement," Mom said, rolling her eyes, as she sat in her chair watching _A Christmas Story._

"Thanks," Calvin grinned.

He climbed down the stairs, made a right, and went down into the basement.

Several minutes, later, he reemerged, carrying nothing in his hands.

"Mom, we don't have anything big enough. Don't we have anything as big as my Time Machine?"

Mom sighed.

"Calvin, if you can't fit your list into any boxes down there, then that means the list is too big. Make it shorter."

Calvin looked offended.

"Why, I'm outraged! Everything on that list is of vital importance to me! I can't just take stuff out!" He shouted.

"There's nothing on that list, that you can't live without?" Mom asked, glancing at Calvin.

Calvin paused.

"Well, I guess the atomic bomb can wait until next year." He considered. "I already put 'hydrogen bomb' in Volume Two..."

Mom rolled her eyes, and went back to the movie.

Calvin grumbled to himself, then started up the stairs.

Suddenly, his eyes brightened.

He raced up the stairs, and burst into his room.

Hobbes was laying on his stomach on Calvin's bed, moving a crayon across his coloring book.

"Hobbes, quick, we have to go to Socrates' place!" Calvin said, frantically, grabbing his hypercube, and absorbing the list into it.

Hobbes looked up.

"Sorry?" He asked.

"I don't have a box big enough to mail my Christmas list in. We have to go fetch one from Socrates." Calvin informed Hobbes, slipping the hypercube into his pocket.

Hobbes stared at him.

"Couldn't you just shorten the list?" He asked.

Calvin glared at him.

"No. Come on!" He growled, picking up the MTM.

"Well, why do _I_ have to come?" Hobbes demanded.

"Because I don't want to pranked by that raving lunatic," Calvin said, glaring at Hobbes.

"Oh," Hobbes said. "Very well,"

The tiger got up from Calvin's bed, and walked over to Calvin.

"MTM, activate teleporter!" Calvin ordered.

"Oh, want now?" MTM yawned, apparently just waking up.

"We have to get to Socrates' house! I need a box to mail my Christmas list in!" Calvin announced.

MTM paused.

"Can't you just shorten the list?" He asked, finally.

Calvin glared the CD player, while Hobbes snickered.

"Just do it," He growled.

MTM sighed, electronically.

"Teleporter activated." He said.

_**BRZAP!!!**_

Blue light engulfed Calvin, Hobbes, and the MTM, and they suddenly vanished.

* * *

_**BRZAP!**_

Calvin and Hobbes reappeared in a flash of blue light in front of Socrates' door.

"Ah, excellent!" Calvin grinned. "I'll have that thing mailed off, today, if we hurry!!"

Calvin pushed the doorbell.

_DING, DING, DING, DING, DING.... DING.... _DONG!!!

A musical novelty doorbell ring rang out.

Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes.

There was a short pause, before finally, the door swung open.

Socrates stood in the doorway, grinning madly at Calvin and Hobbes. He was wearing a red Santa hat.

"Merry four days before Christmas, dudes!" He grinned. "What up?!"

Calvin and Hobbes stared at Socrates.

Socrates' grin remained unfazed.

"So, what can I do for you on this fine December day?!" He grinned, hopping out of the way, so Calvin and Hobbes could enter.

"Socrates can we borrow a box from you?" Calvin asked, stepping inside. "I need to mail my list to Santa,"

Socrates stared at Calvin.

"Can't you just make the list shorter?" He asked.

Calvin gave Socrates a dark glare.

"Righto! A big box for your greedy needs! I'll be right back!" The red tailed tiger shouted, happily, bouncing down to the basement.

Calvin glared after him.

"What's he so happy, about?" He asked, suspiciously, looking over at Hobbes.

Hobbes shrugged.

"Well, you know Socrates." He said. "He virtually goes insane every time a holiday rolls around. When he gets into the Christmas spirit, he becomes the happiest organism on the planet."

Calvin sighed, and turned back to the basement door.

Suddenly, the tiger reemerged from the basement, carrying a large cardboard box with him.

"Here we go! One box ready for mailing!" He grinned.

"That'll be perfect!" Calvin grinned, reaching for the box.

"By the way, would you mind doing a favor?" Socrates asked, innocently, as Calvin took the box.

Calvin glared at Socrates.

"Oh, now you want me to do something for _you,_ do you?" He demanded. "Even though I have to pack my list into my box, pay ten dollars for postage and prepare for Christmas, overall?!"

"Yep!" Socrates grinned.

There was a pause.

"Fine. What do you want?" He demanded, slipping the box into his hypercube.

"Well, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping Andy, Vermin and I decorate my mansion for Santa Day?!" Socrates grinned.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at Socrates.

"I see," Hobbes said. "And, uh, are Andy and Sherman _aware_ that they're going to be helping you with this?"

"Just let me give them a call real quick before I answer that!" Socrates said, holding up a hand, and rushing out of the room.

Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes.

* * *

"OK, so here's the plan!" Socrates said, marching back and forth in front of Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman later that day. "Elliot and his parents are out doing Christmas stuff, so I predict that they'll be back in about three or four hours!"

"You're owners do a lot of Christmas shopping?" Andy asked.

Socrates stared at him.

"No," He replied. "They did Christmas shopping last week. What makes you think they're shopping?"

Andy opened his mouth to question what they were doing, but thought better of it.

"Now then, we have to get this place decorated before they get back, just for the heck of having a time limit! Nothing says drama like a time limit!"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Now let's get started!" Socrates grinned, spinning around.

There was a pause.

Andy coughed into his hands.

"Uh, Socrates?" Hobbes asked.

"Yes?" Socrates grinned.

"Where are the decorations?"

There was another pause.

"That's a good question," The red tailed tiger considered.

"You mean to tell us you dragged us over here to help you decorate, and you don't even know where your decorations are?!" Sherman demanded.

"Well, I really didn't think ahead of this point," Socrates admitted. "I was too busy planning pranks,"

Everyone groaned.

"Fine, then," Calvin said, holding the MTM up. "MTM, locate the decorations."

MTM didn't reply.

Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates, Andy and Sherman stared at him.

"MTM?" Calvin asked, glaring at it. "Locate them!"

MTM didn't say anything.

"MTM!" Calvin shouted, starting to get angry. "LOCATE THEM!!"

The MTM didn't do anything.

Calvin's eyes burst open, and he began foaming at the mouth.

"MTM!!" He shouted, angrily, jumping up and down. "LOCATE THE STUPID DECORATIONS!"

MTM remained silent.

Calvin paused.

"_Please?!_" He hissed through gritted teeth.

"Why certainly," MTM said, cheerfully. "You're so polite."

"Just do it," Calvin growled.

"Well, ho, ho, ho to you, too," MTM sniffed.

There was a pause, then the MTM beeped, again.

"Specified items located," The CD player said.

"Good where are they?" Socrates grinned.

"Oh, I've found them, now you want me to _show_ you where it is?" MTM demanded.

Everyone acquired dark glares, as they stared down at the MTM.

"Very well, they're in the attic," MTM replied. "Right hand corner. Can't miss it."

"Thank you," Calvin hissed. He looked up at Socrates. "Let's go get them, and get this over with,"

"Righto! Socrates grinned, cheerfully, and with that, he rushed up the stairs towards the attic.

Everyone sighed, and followed him.

* * *

Several minutes, later, Socrates' livingroom was filled with boxes of Christmas decorations.

"Oooh, I found the lights!" Socrates grinned, pushing a box forward.

"Socrates, three of these boxes are lights," Andy said, rolling his eyes.

"Yep!" The tiger grinned. "Now, who's going to go through the strands and check the bulbs?"

There was a pause.

"Say, Sherman did I just hear you volunteer?" Calvin asked, looking over at the hamster on Andy's shoulder.

"Don't you even...." Sherman growled.

"Wow! How brave of you Sherman!" Socrates grinned, kicking the first box over to Andy. "Remember to check every one! If one's a dud the whole strand doesn't work!"

Andy and Sherman exchanged glances.

Socrates opened the box, and started pulling it out.

Suddenly, he pulled out a large mass of lights, which had been smashed together into a ball as large as a basketball.

"Whoops, there's a little knot here," He said, staring at it. "I'll just let you work on this," He handed it to Andy.

Andy stared at it.

"Have fun, Sherman," Andy said, putting the hamster on the box, and running off.

Sherman glared after him.

Suddenly, Hobbes came in the front door.

"Socrates, I found your Frosty the Snowman in the garage. What do you want me to do with it?"

"Just throw it out into the yard until we can get to it!" Socrates called back. "Did you find my miniature Santa sleigh with the reindeer?"

"Not yet," Hobbes said. "I'm still only three feet into the garage. You really need to clean that place out, Socrates. I found a 5-year old bag of Cheetos that's evolving into an intelligent life form in there."

"That's nice," Socrates said, waving him off, and turning to Calvin.

Hobbes shivered, and went back outside.

"Hey, Cally! How goes progress?" Socrates asked, cheerfully.

Calvin was currently going through a box of New Year's decorations.

"Remind me again why I'm going through all this, _now_ of all times?" He demanded.

"Well, what do you expect?" Socrates demanded. "I throw all my Christmas stuff out on the 26th, and start preparing for New Years! We have to get all the decorations out, early!"

"Well, it's better then leaving your Christmas decorations up until March, like most people do," Andy said, who was currently sitting on Socrates' couch listening to his Ipod.

"You bethchya!" Socrates grinned. "I leave my _New Year's_ decorations up until March!"

Calvin, Andy and Sherman rolled their eyes.

"By the way, where's MTM?" Socrates asked, looking around. "Haven't seen him for a few minutes,"

"I think he's helping Hobbes out in the garage," Sherman grumbled, who had, by some miracle, gotten the knot out of the lights, and was currently checking the strands.

* * *

"Gordon Bennet, I've never seen so much junk crammed into one tiny garage before in my life," MTM groaned, and he and Hobbes stood outside the garage.

"I know, I just found the Frosty by mistake, when it fell out the door when I opened it." Hobbes said.

"Well, the sooner we get that decoration with Father Christmas, the sooner we can get out of here, so what do you suggest we do?" MTM asked.

"Well, how about you scan the garage, and after we find it, we can plot out some kind of course to it, and get it," Hobbes said, staring at the wall of junk that stood before him.

"Processing," MTM said.

Hobbes held the red and chrome CD player up to the garage.

A green light shot out of the tip of it, and scanned the garage up and down.

Suddenly, the light vanished, and the MTM began humming.

"Processing." He said.

There was a pause.

"Processing. Done. Alright I found it. Now shifting through every possible course of getting it."

The MTM began humming faster.

"Done." He said, finally. "There are several possible ways of getting to it."

"Really?" Hobbes asked, enthusiastically. "Let's hear them."

"One - use my lasers to blow the garage up, and pick up whatever might be left of it," MTM said.

Hobbes blinked.

"Two - fight your way through the several potentially life threatening items, to which you would never expect to find inside a garage in the first place, and try to pull it out without getting lost."

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"Three - Give up. Go back into the house, and try to get someone else to come get it." MTM said, finally.

Hobbes sighed.

"Come on, that's all you could come up with?"

Before MTM could answer, Hobbes said, "Fine let's just try and dig our way to it. Can you point me in the direction of it?"

"Sure, but I would have to have a complete fix on its location every second of the time we're in there, as well as our way out." MTM said.

"You can do that, right?" Hobbes asked.

"Sure, but I'll have to turn off the heat shield around you. You're gonna get a little cold." MTM said.

Hobbes shrugged.

"Whatever will get us out of here, quicker," He said.

"Very well," The MTM beeped, and suddenly, a red dome flashed around Hobbes, and disappeared. Hobbes immediately felt the difference as the cold hit him.

Teeth chattering, the tiger made his way up to the garage.

"Okay, begin heading left, first off, otherwise, you'll run into a chainsaw that's been there for seven years."

Hobbes nodded, and began moving stuff out of his way, as he climbed inside the garage.

* * *

Meanwhile, Andy was walking down the hallways of the mansion. He had several Christmas reefs on his arms, and he was hanging them up on all the doors he past, at Socrates' request.

He walked over to the balcony of the stairs and looked down.

Socrates was dragging another box into the living room, still grinning like a lunatic, while Calvin and Sherman continued to check the bulbs on the light strand.

"How's it going down there?" Andy called.

"Never better! You?" Socrates grinned.

Andy rolled his eyes.

"I'm talking about getting this place decorated. Did you find everything, yet?" He asked.

"Yes!" Socrates paused. "Wait.... no... But I think I've almost got it!"

Calvin, Andy and Sherman rolled their eyes.

"Alright, we're done," Sherman said, pitching the light strand away.

Socrates looked up.

"Really? You got them all checked?! _HOT_ DOG!!" The tiger leaped over to the box.

"Socrates, you're starting to get a little creepy, now," Sherman said.

"Yeah, that's what I'm aiming for," Socrates nodded. "Now, if we got all the lights checked, all that's left to do is put them up!"

"Where do we put these?" Calvin asked.

"The roof." Socrates replied. "I'll go get the staple gun!"

And with that, Socrates rushed off, as Calvin, Andy and Sherman rolled their eyes.

* * *

"Okay, now move that box of CDs out of your way, and you'll come to what I guess would be an empty bookcase," MTM said.

Hobbes sat shivering in the middle of the giant pile of junk, still trying to locate the Santa sleigh.

"This is insane," He moaned.

"No, what Socrates expects us to do next is insane. This is actually quite reasonable," MTM replied.

Hobbes stared at him.

"Why? What does he want us to do next?"

"I can't tell you," MTM said, casually.

"Why?" Hobbes asked, starting to get scared. "Does he want us to bring his pet piranhas downstairs to the livingroom?"

"No. I can't tell you because it would screw up the time stream, and cause the universe to implode. I'm a time machine, remember?" MTM replied.

Hobbes paused.

"Oh... you looked ahead into the future..." He said, unsurely.

"Right."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, back at it," MTM said, casually. "Go ahead and move that box."

Hobbes groaned.

"There has _got _to be an easier way to do this...." He sighed.

"Sure there is," MTM said. "I could teleport it out into the driveway for you,"

Silence filled the land. The only sound that could be heard was the howling of the wind, outside.

Finally, after several long moments, Hobbes spoke.

"And you didn't tell me this.... _why?!?_"

"Well, if you remember, correctly, I said there were _several_ ways of getting to that decoration." MTM said. "You only let me list three, before deciding on option two: to climb through all the junk to get to it."

Hobbes groaned.

"You mean all this was for nothing?!" He shouted.

"Not really," MTM said. "You've gotten about another three or four feet closer to it. Make it a bit easier for me to teleport it."

Hobbes developed a strong urge to just leave the MTM there in the pile of junk, and return to the house without the decoration. Not wanting to deal with Calvin yelling at him to come back out and get it, he stayed.

"Alright then, can you teleport it out for me, please??" Hobbes growled through gritted teeth.

"Gladly. Let's just get out of here, first, and I can get it over here," MTM said.

_**BRZAP!**_

There was a flash of blue light, and Hobbes and MTM converted to particles, where they instantly reappeared outside of the garage.

There was another pause where Hobbes and the MTM stood outside, waiting.

Then, the MTM started humming, again.

_**BRZAP!!!**_

There was an explosion of blue light, and suddenly, the Santa Claus decoration appeared in front of them. It was your basic Santa decoration with the jolly old fellow sitting in his sleigh with all the reindeer connected to the sleigh by strings. But something was a bit off....

There was another pause as Hobbes and the MTM stared at it.

It was perhaps the ugliest plastic Christmas decoration either one of them had ever seen. Three of the reindeer were missing, and the other five were missing legs and eyes. Whatever paint that wasn't chipping off was faded and white, and Santa was missing his hat, his nose and several teeth. Oh, yes, there was also some kind of life growing on the sleigh. How it managed to survive the winter, so far, I have no clue.

Finally, MTM spoke.

"Okay, I'm going to go on a limb here, and guess this thing is seventy or eighty years old." He said.

Hobbes sighed.

"Well, Socrates wants it in the front yard, so we might as well do that."

"Don't expect _me_ to touch it." MTM said.

"Well, I'm not going to pick it up," Hobbes said. "The sleigh looks like its growing some kind of arm."

Hobbes and MTM continued staring at the decoration, trying to figure out what to do with it.

* * *

Andy walked through the snow with Sherman on his shoulder. On one arm he carried a ladder, on the other, he carried the Christmas lights.

The boy leaned the ladder against the mansion's wall.

"Alright Shermie, do you have that invention ready?" He asked, looking at the hamster.

"Yep," Sherman said, pulling a small remote out of his pocket. "Throw the lights up."

Andy bent down, and tossed the light strand straight upwards, where it landed on the roof.

Sherman pushed a button on the remote.

"OK, if I got all the nanotechnology installed, right, the lights should put themselves up," The hamster said, looking up.

Andy squinted in the sunlight.

_FWOOM!!!!_

Suddenly, the light strand flung out like a whip, and locked down onto the roof.

Andy grinned. "Good job, Shermie!" He said, cheerfully. "Let's go get another strand."

The boy and hamster then turned and left to get another strand of lights out of the house.

As they entered, they found Calvin and Socrates trying to put up garlands up around the house.

Unsuccessfully in case your wondering.

"Hey, Socrates we came for another thing of lights," Andy said, casually. "Where are the rest?"

Socrates, who had garlands wrapped all the way around himself, turned and faced Andy.

Surprising, he was still grinning.

"You got that first one, done fast!" He said.

"Yeah, Sherman helped me out," Andy shrugged.

"Oh. Well the others in the corner." He grinned, turning back around.

Andy nodded.

"Thanks," He said, turning around, and walking out.

On his way, he passed Calvin. He was not grinning... He was carrying garlands over to Socrates, and he had a dark glare on his face.

"Get me out of here...." He hissed to Andy as he past.

Andy and Sherman rolled their eyes, and went over to get the other lights.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hobbes and the MTM had worked out the deal that in order to keep from touching the decoration, they would just teleport it over to wherever Socrates wanted it.

They had just finished up with that, and they were going in to check in on Socrates.

"Yes, I'm aware of what the decoration looks like. What's wrong with it?" Socrates asked, his brow furrowing.

"Well, for one," MTM started. "You wouldn't be able to sell it if you paid the customer to take it."

"Well, that's preposterous! That decoration's been in the family for years!" Socrates announced.

"I can tell." Hobbes sighed. "It looks like it was the first thing your ancestor bought when he crawled out of the ocean."

Socrates waved him off, and turned back around to hanging the garlands.

Just then, Andy and Sherman came back into the house.

"Okay, we got all the lights up," Andy said. "Didn't you say you wanted to put a Frosty the Snowman up there, too?"

"Yep!" Socrates grinned, spinning around. "Nothing says _Christmas with the Kranks_ like a big, white, grinning plastic thing on the roof!"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

By this time, darkness had fallen. The only source of light, now, was Socrates' porch light, and the moon shining down at them from the starry sky. The moon, luckily, was bright enough that night for them to see what they were doing.

Calvin, Hobbes, Socrates, Andy, Sherman and the MTM stood out in the snow, staring at the Frosty decoration sitting in the middle of the yard.

Snow was lightly falling on top of them, as the silently contemplated how they were going to get it onto the roof.

"Say, MTM," Calvin said, suddenly, snapping his fingers. "Is there any chances of you teleporting us and the decoration to the roof?"

"Nope," MTM replied.

"Why?" Socrates asked.

"I've used my teleportation feature too much since my last recharge." MTM explained. "I'm currently running on solar power, which only runs the minimum amount of my features."

There was a pause.

"Well, what's that?" Hobbes asked.

"My voice chip, my personality chip, my artificial intelligence software, and my Wi-fi satellite internet." MTM replied.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"OK, let's see if we can drag this thing onto the roof," Andy sighed, handing Sherman to Calvin and walking over to the snowman.

With Socrates' help, the boy heaved the decoration up, and the two started towards the mansion.

Calvin and Hobbes rushed ahead, and held the ladder, as Socrates and Andy approached.

Very slowly, Socrates and Andy started up the ladder, the snowman first.

"What are you going to do once you get up there?" Calvin called.

"I have some rope. I'll tie it to the chimney!" Socrates grinned.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

Several minutes past as Socrates and Andy crawled upwards towards roof.

A man with a moustache next door looked out his window towards the mansion.

He saw a boy carrying a stuffed tiger, a hamster, and a portable CD player holding a ladder while another boy holding a stuffed tiger climbed up it pushing a Frosty the Snowman up with him.

He stared at them for a second.

"Mmm-hmmmm," He said, closing the curtains.

* * *

Finally, Andy and Socrates managed to get all the way up without falling off, and while Andy tried to rest, Socrates went right to work.

He grabbed the Frosty decoration, and heaved it forward, stepping over lights as he went.

Finally, he made it to the chimney.

He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a long rope.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman watched in disbelief, as Socrates pushed the Frosty against the side of the brick chimney, and threw the nylon rope over it.

"Socrates, are you sure that's how your supposed to do it?" Andy asked.

"Of course, I'm sure," Socrates tying a knot at the end of the rope, once it was all wrapped around it. "I've been doing it this way for years!"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

Socrates stood up, and admired his work.

"Well, that's done then!" He grinned. "Now let's get down and plug it all in!"

Socrates turned around, and started to climb back down.

Suddenly, he tripped over one of the light strands.

"WHOA!!" He yelled, stumbling forward.

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy, Sherman and the MTM stared as Socrates collapsed forward, and started falling down the roof.

Desperate, Socrates grabbed onto another strand of lights, which flew upward with him as he came to the gutter.

_TWANG!!!_

There was a moment of silence.

Socrates hung five feet from the ground, wrapped up in Christmas lights.

Calvin grinned.

"Shall I go plug it in?" He asked, turning to Hobbes.

Hobbes glared at him.

* * *

After everything was sorted back out, Calvin, Hobbes and the gang all stood in front of the mansion.

Socrates was holding a two extension cords.

"Well, guys, it's been a long day!" He grinned.

Hobbes stared at him.

"Socrates, we've been doing this for two and half hours." He said.

"Yep! And what a two and a half hours it's been!" Socrates grinned.

Everyone sighed, heavily.

"And now, if I can get a drum roll, please, we shall see what ol' Saint Nick will get to see when he passes by this place!"

"Right. MTM?" Calvin requested.

"Sure," MTM said.

There was a pause, and then, suddenly, a sound started coming out.

_Thump, thump, thump, thump.... Thump, thump, thump, thump.... Thump, thump, thump, thump.... Thump, thump, thump, thump...._

Socrates stared at the MTM.

"A drum_roll_, MTM, not a drum_beat_." He said, his brow furrowing.

"Sorry. Wrong file," MTM said.

There was another pause.

Then, another sound came out of the MTM. This time, it was the correct sound.

Socrates turned, and held the two extension cords up. Then, melodramatically, he slammed them both together.

_BZZZT!!_

A spark of electricity flew from one lightbulb on the house, but other than that.... nothing.

Socrates paused.

He stared down at the electrical cords in his hands.

He held up a finger, and flicked it against it.

_Whack!_

_FWOOOM!!!_

Calvin and Hobbes rolled their eyes.

Suddenly, the house came alive, lighting up the night with an array of different colors.

"HA HA!!" Socrates screamed, excitedly, jumping up and down in the snow.

"It looks really good, Socrates," Andy said, patting Socrates on the back.

"Really good?" Socrates exclaimed. "It looks fantastic! It looks phenomenal! It looks..."

"Good enough for us to leave," Calvin said.

"My words exactly!" Socrates grinned, madly.

"Well, alright, then, Socrates, I guess we can leave you to your own devices," Sherman said, crossing his arms.

"What?" Socrates asked, stunned, spinning around. "You think I'd let you go home without doing something to thank you for all your hard work?"

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy and Sherman exchanged glances.

Usually, when Socrates wanted to thank you for something, he gave you a certificate entitling you to three or four hours totally free of pranks.

"Uh.... No thanks, Socrates....." Calvin began. "We have to..."

"Nonsense!" Socrates declared, holding a hand up to stop Calvin. "I won't let you leave until I do something kind and loving for you! Who's up for some Hot Chocolate and marshmallows in front of some random Christmas special on my High-def TV?!"

Calvin's eyes popped open.

"Oooh! I am!" He grinned, his hand going to sky.

"Wow, thanks, Socrates," Hobbes said, smiling.

"Sure," MTM yawned.

"Be glad to," Andy smiled.

"Whatever," Sherman grumbled.

"Great! Come on!" And with that, Socrates hopped into the mansion.

Calvin grinned, and followed.

"You know something, guys," He said, walking up to the front porch.

"What?" Hobbes asked.

"For a medically insane lunatic, Socrates' isn't a bad guy," Calvin grinned.

Hobbes, Andy and Sherman nodded in agreement.

Calvin walked up to the door, and prepared to enter.

_TWANG!!!_

"AAAAAAUGH!!!"

Hobbes, Andy and Sherman stared as a rope suddenly tightened around Calvin's ankle, and pulled him straight upward.

Socrates stuck his head out the door. Calvin was now hanging upside down, glaring at the tiger.

"Hey guys, just wanted to let you know you should watch your step!" He shouted, cheerfully. "I might have forgotten to unhook some booby traps!"

And with that, he ran back inside.

There was a pause.

"Shall I cut you down, Calvin?" Hobbes asked, looking up at the boy.

Calvin glared, icily, at him.

"Oh. Well tidings of comfort and joy to you, too." The tiger said.

He extended a claw, and cut Calvin down.

_THUMP!!_

"OUCH!!"

Andy grinned.

"Good old Socrates," He sighed. "With him, there's never a dull moment,"

**The End**


	2. A Dr Brainstorm Christmas!

Snow was falling lightly to the Yellowstone soil, on the 22nd of December. Buffalo were quietly roaming across the winter scene. Old faithful sat abandoned at its usual spot. Yellowstone seemed completely deserted.

_Seemed_ completely deserted.

Suddenly, a large scream rang out through the woods, shattering the quiet evening.

"ALRIGHT, JACK!! I've found the perfect tree to slaughter!!"

"Please stop saying that," Jack begged, as he hiked through the snow up to where Dr Brainstorm was standing.

Brainstorm, instead of his usual attire, was wearing snow pants, a light jacket, a hat and scarf. For those who haven't been to Yellowstone in middle of winter, I can say that Brainstorm was obviously not dressed for the occasion. Also for those not keeping track of the weather in Yellowstone, there was several feet of snow and arctic wind was blowing down onto them from the north.

Jack was simply wearing a green and red scarf, which is a little redundant when you think about it, and a red and white Santa Claus hat.

Jack stared at the fir pine tree Brainstorm was standing next to.

"Well, do you approve?" Brainstorm said, sarcastically.

"No," Jack replied. "It's too short and the limbs won't hold the lights or the heavy ornaments,"

"JACK!! I'M FREEZING, HERE! WOULD YOU PLEASE BE A LITTLE MORE AGREEABLE!!!"

"No," Jack said, simply. "I want a good tree. I don't want to rush through this, just because you're getting frostbite."

"MY HANDS ARE TURNING BLACK!!!"

"They are not!" Jack sighed.

"WELL, THEY SHOULD BE BY NOW!!!"

Jack eyes rolled skyward.

"Well, what about this tree?!" Brainstorm screeched, whipping around to another tree.

"Not full enough."

"THIS ONE?!?!"

"Too many branches."

"THIS ONE?!?"

"Can anyone say 'Charlie Brown Christmas'?"

"THIS ONE?!"

"There's a nest in that one!" Jack exclaimed, his brow furrowing.

"IT'S WINTER!!!" Brainstorm screeched so loudly that some of the trees shook. "THE BIRDS HAVE GONE SOUTH!!!"

"How do you know it's not an eagle's nest?" Jack said, crossing his arms. "Besides, this tree doesn't look very healthy."

"RRRRRRRGH!!!"

"What is that, anyway? Cancer?" Jack inquired looking at the strange lumps on the tree's trunk.

After several more hours of looking for a tree, Brainstorm finally found a tree worth cutting down and bringing back to the lab.

After Brainstorm had set it up in the stand, Jack got to work on setting the lights up. Actually, to be a little more accurate, Brainstorm attempted to get it in the stand, injured himself in the process, gave up, and had Jack do it. Then he put the lights up.

"ARE ALL THE LIGHTS UP?!?!" Brainstorm demanded, after a few minutes.

"Yeah," Jack yawned.

"DOES IT LOOK COMMERCIAL?!"

"Nope."

"GOOD!!! PLUG IT IN!!!"

"Whatever," Jack yawned, taking the plug and sticking it into the wall.

_BZZZT!!_

There was a bright flash of light, and the entire lab was plunged into darkness.

There was a pause.

"You have that old heater going again, don't you?" Jack said, finally.

"Just go flip the breaker," Brainstorm growled, walking off to his bedroom to turn the heater off.

After that horrific incident was contained, Brainstorm and Jack started their annual Christmas argument.

"THEY MIGHT FORGET TO COME OVER, THIS YEAR!!!" Brainstorm wailed.

"They aren't," Jack sighed, rolling his eyes. "Your mom's already made arrangements, and you bought them their plane tickets."

"THEY MIGHT HAVE MISSED THE PLANE!"

"Just get there and start cooking the Christmas food!" Jack moaned. "They did not miss the plane!"

"CAN'T WE CALL THEM UP AND CANCEL CHRISTMAS?!?!" Brainstorm cried.

"Their plane's landing right now!!" Jack yelled. "They're going to be here in two hours!

"NOOOOO!!!!" Brainstorm screamed like a gut wrenched banshee, falling to his knees, and throwing his hands into the air.

It was at that point that something very interesting happened. Brainstorm seemed to unlock something in his vocal chords, and without any warning, he began screaming in two different voices. And all at once his gut wrenched banshee impression got just that much better.

"Doing a little Tuvan throat singing, are we Frank?" Jack asked, totally unfazed, by the unexpected change.

"DR BRAINSTORM!!!" Brainstorm screeched. His original insane voice guiding his second much higher voice.

Jack, having won the argument another year, picked up his Dr Pepper and walked out of the room sipping on it, while Brainstorm tried to figure out what the heck had just happened to his voice.

After that, things proceeded as normal. Brainstorm and Jack whipped up a huge feast (mostly for Mother Brainstorm), and decorated the rest of the lab.

Jack was in the middle of hanging some garlands over the monitor when the doorbell rang out through the lab. Why on earth Dr Brainstorm's advanced laboratory simply had a doorbell, I couldn't imagine.

"JACK GO GET THAT!!!" Brainstorm screamed, who was raising another garland to put up.

"Whatever," Jack yawned, pushing a button on the console.

There was a sound of an elevator moving, and suddenly, the sliding metal doors opened, and Jacqueline came walking into the lab. She too was wearing a Santa hat as well as a red and white Santa coat. She was carrying a plate of red and green Christmas cookies.

"Hi Jack," She said cheerfully. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas back at ya, Jackie. How goes it?" Jack inquired.

"Great! Sheila and Mother Brainstorm are on their way down. So, how have you been?" Jacqueline asked, setting the cookies on the table by the door.

"Not too bad," Jack shrugged.

"Hey, Frank, how are you?" Jacqueline asked, looking up at Brainstorm.

"_**DR BRAINSTORM!!!**_ AND I'M DOING QUITE WELL!!!" Brainstorm screeched in two different pitches at once.

"That's grea..." Jacqueline paused. She turned to Jack. "What's wrong with his voice?" She whispered.

"He was screaming at me, today and apparently activated a second pair of vocal chords." Jack explained. "He can't get it to stop, either."

"Oh, poor Frank," Jacqueline said, sympathetically.

"I personally think it's hilarious." Jack grinned. "All these vocal injuries he's sustained so far, screaming at me are _nothing _compared to this!"

"JACK!! THE GARLANDS JUST EXPLODED, AGAIN!!! GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!!!" Brainstorm screamed.

"I have to admit, it _is _a lot harder to take him seriously, now," Jacqueline considered.

"Yeah, sure is. So did you watch David Letterman, last night?" Jack continued.

"YOU CALL THIS LAB DECORATED FOR CHRISTMAS?!?!" Mother Brainstorm screamed, rampaging across the lab. "HOW LONG DID YOU SPEND DOING THIS?!? FIFTEEN MINUTES?!? AND WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOUR VOICE?!?"

"I..." Brainstorm started.

"AND DON'T GO TELLING ME THAT YOU'VE BEEN POSSESSED!! I HEAR THAT EVERY OTHER TIME I HEAR PEOPLE TALKING IN TWO VOICES AND I'M NOT BUYING IT!!!"

"It..."

"Enough of your excuses!" Mrs Brainstorm screamed. "Where's the food?! I'm famished!!"

"It's in the kitchen," Brainstorm grumbled.

"DON'T YOU TAKE THOSE TONES OF VOICES WITH ME, YOUNG MAN!!!" Mrs Brainstorm roared.

"Sorry, mommy," Brainstorm whimpered.

"GOOD!!" And with that, Mrs Brainstorm stormed off to the kitchen.

"FRANK!! HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN MY COAT, YET?!?" Sheila exclaimed, motioning towards the large coat she was wearing.

"BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO!!" Brainstorm hollered back, not afraid to start screaming once his mother was out of the room.

"I ORDER YOU TO TAKE MY COAT OFF, BECAUSE I'M A LADY!!!" Sheila shrieked.

Jack and Jacqueline exchanged glances.

"NO!! I REFUSE!!" Brainstorm screamed, the two pitches in his voice becoming more and more apparent the louder he screamed.

"THAT DOES IT, BROTHER!! NOW IT SHALL END THE WAY IT ALWAYS SHOULD HAVE!! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT TO THE _DEATH_!!!!"

"I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, AND MAY YOU....."

"SHUT U-U-U-UP!!!!" Mother Brainstorm's petrifying screech echoed from the kitchen.

Brainstorm and Sheila quickly quieted down and Sheila took her own coat off.

"Darn, that was going to end interestingly." Jack said.

Jacqueline nodded.

* * *

It was soon after that that the annual Brainstorm Christmas dinner began.

Brainstorm hurriedly seated his mother and deliberately let Sheila seat herself. She didn't do this quietly, however.

"WHY AREN'T PULLING THE CHAIR OUT FOR ME?!?!" Sheila screeched.

"FRANK!!! PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR YOUR SISTER!!!!" Mrs Brainstorm squealed.

"But mom, I've already sat down." Brainstorm started.

"_**NOW!!!!!**_" Mrs Brainstorm roared, her eyes bulging and her nostrils flaring.

Jack and Jacqueline quietly watched all this unfold, as Brainstorm grumpily stood up and seated Sheila, who stuck her tongue out at him as she sat.

As Brainstorm sat down, again, Mrs Brainstorm screamed out, "FRANK, LEAD US IN SAYING GRACE!!!"

Silence filled the land.

Everyone stared at Mrs Brainstorm in shock.

"You people say grace?" Jack demanded.

"_**DO IT!!!!**_" Mother Brainstorm howled.

"Yes, Mommy!" Brainstorm said, in sheer terror, putting his hands together, and lowering his head.

"Lord," He began, his second voice seeming to get higher in pitch with every word. "We thank you for the food, and our good health and that we're all here for Christmas dinner, except for Dad who's out looking for Mom's Christmas tree, at the moment. Aaaand... please let us all seize the Earth's defense systems next year and become the ultimate rulers of the planet."

"_**AMEN!!!!**_" Mrs Brainstorm cried out at the top of her lungs, cutting through the rather touching moment causing everyone to jump in horror. And without a moment to spare, she began shoving food into her now gaping mouth.

Brainstorm, Sheila, Jack and Jacqueline all eyed her, uncertainly, before beginning to eat themselves.

"So," Jacqueline said, trying to strike up conversation. "What do you have planned for the New Year?"

"I'm going to destroy Calvin and his robotic tiger, take over the world, declare my birthday a national holiday, and then have America disown New Mexico!" Brainstorm declared.

Jacqueline stared at him.

"How come?" She asked.

"He doesn't like people from New Mexico," Jack said, taking a plate of beef. "He was verbally attacked by one last week,"

"Ah," Jacqueline nodded.

"Wait a minute!" Sheila started. "That's what _I'm _going to do next year!"

"Well too bad, I put dibs on it first!" Brainstorm shot back.

"I was born first!" Sheila stated.

"You were not!" Brainstorm growled.

"SHUT UP OR I'LL RIP BOTH YOUR ARMS OFF!!" Mother Brainstorm screeched, a little muffled due to the large amount of food that her mouth and esophagus was struggling to force down.

Brainstorm and Sheila quickly bowed their heads humbly, and resumed eating.

Jack and Jacqueline exchanged glances.

After dinner, the Brainstorm family sat down for their second yearly Christmas tradition: Gift exchange. This proved to be more trouble than it was really worth.

"Alright, Frank, here's your gift." Jack said, handing Brainstorm a wrapped up box.

"Oh, Jack you shouldn't have," Brainstorm said, clearly touched. He paused. His head came up. "My name is doctor _**BRAINSTORM!**_" He screeched, causing his voice to crack and for a third pitch to work it's way into his voice.

"_**SHUT UP, FRANK!!!**_" Mrs Brainstorm screeched for the third time that day for those not keeping track.

Brainstorm followed his mother's request, and shut up, albeit not without acquiring another voice.

Jack's eyebrows jumped.

"Gee, Frank, three pitches at once? You could get on Oprah for that!" He said.

"Shut up," Brainstorm growled.

"Does it hurt your vocal chords at all?" Jacqueline asked.

"I'm still trying to figure out how it's even possible," Jack said.

"Anyway Jack," Brainstorm said, trying to change the subject away from his voice. "How could afford to get me a present?"

"I've been stealing your plasma for the last few weeks," Jack said, blandly.

Jacqueline snorted, desperately trying to hold back her laughter.

"You..... stole my plasma." Brainstorm said, quietly.

"Every night while you were asleep," Jack nodded. "They pay a lot for that stuff. I'm actually quite shocked."

"Jack, I'm going to be adding this to my report," Brainstorm grumbled under his breath.

"You do that," Jack yawned.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!?"

"I said, oh darn. I'll be sure never to do that, again," Jack said.

"Good," Brainstorm mumbled.

"Frank, I have decided to make the investment for you right here." Sheila said, handing Brainstorm another wrapped up box. This one had air holes poked in the top.

"Thanks, Sheila... What is it?" Brainstorm asked, suspiciously eyeing the box.

"It's a box of _**INSANE KILLER POISONOUS RATS!!! OPEN IT NOW!!!!! OPEN IT AND DIIIIEEE!!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!**_" Sheila shrieked, suddenly going berserk.

"Rats aren't poisonous." Jacqueline pointed out.

Sheila paused.

"They aren't?" She asked, turning to her companion.

The two robots shook their heads.

Brainstorm looked down at his gift for Sheila, which had air holes poked in the top.

"Drat," He muttered under his breath.

"Mrs Brainstorm, I bought this for you," Jacqueline said, sweetly, handing Mother Brainstorm a small gift.

"Thanks," Mrs Brainstorm said, gruffly. "Frank, this is for you!" She went on to say, shoving another present into Brainstorm' gut.

"OOF!!!" Brainstorm grunted, trying to catch his breath. "Thanks... COUGH... Mom... How did you get the money to buy me a present this year?"

"I had Jack steal your plasma for the last few weeks." Mrs Brainstorm replied.

Brainstorm paused.

"I wondered why I was feeling so faint in the mornings." He muttered under his breath.

The gift exchange went on for another few minutes. Finally, all the gifts had been given and, having eaten him about house and lab, Mother Brainstorm decided to buy more food for Brainstorm. More specifically, for _her _on the way back to Brainstorm's lab.

"I DON'T WANT YOU CHILDREN FIGHTING WHILE I'M GONE!!!" Mrs Brainstorm threatened.

"We'll tell you if they did," Jack said, who was sitting on the couch with Jacqueline reading _Robot's Weekly_.

"GOOD!!! I'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF HOURS!!!"

And with that, she marched into the elevator and jammed her finger into the buttons.

The doors closed, and the elevator started raising.

"WHY DOESN'T THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?!?!"

Jack rolled his eyes.

Brainstorm and Sheila were sitting on opposite ends of a card table, pretending to read magazines.

Sheila looked up and glared at Brainstorm to see what he was doing. She looked in time to see Brainstorm's glare dart back to the magazine in his hands.

Sheila's eyes narrowed.

Seconds past.

"I am going to destroy Calvin and Hobbes first, you know." She suddenly muttered, quietly.

Brainstorm's head shot up.

"What makes you say that, sister dearest?!" He said, through gritted teeth.

"BECAUSE MY VOICE IS NORMAL!!!" Sheila screeched, clearly wanting to fight with Brainstorm.

"WELL THEN YOU NEED TO RECORD AND LISTEN TO IT!!!" Brainstorm screamed.

"HE'S AN ALIEN TRANSMITTER!!!"

"NO HE ISN'T!!!!"

"Well they lasted a good fifteen seconds," Jack said, looking at his watch.

"YEAH, WELL YOUR NOSE IS LOOKS WEIRD!!!" Sheila cried.

"YOUR CHIN'S REALLY BIG!!!" Brainstorm shot back.

"YOU HAVE A ZIT UNDER YOUR NOSE!!!"

"THAT'S A MOLE, YOU LITTLE REPTILE!!!"

"I'M GOING TO DESTROY THEM FIRST AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!" Sheila shrilled.

"NOT IF I GET TO THEM FIRST!!!! _**JACK!!!!**_" Brainstorm whipped around, his two additional pitches getting higher.

"Yo?" Jack said, looking up.

"GET IN THE ROCKET!! WE'RE GOING TO GO DESTROY CALVIN AND HOBBES!"

"I suspected as much." Jack sighed, getting up.

"_**JACQUELINE!!!!**_" Sheila screeched, turning to Jacqueline with a half insane expression.

"Yes?" Jacqueline asked.

"TO THE SHEILA ROCKET!!"

"WHICH I BUILT FOR YOU!!!" Brainstorm screamed at her.

"Sure then, Sheila," Jacqueline sighed, standing up, and following Sheila out of the room.

* * *

"Because I'm an expert on Christmas cookies, that's why!" Hobbes shouted into the telephone, who was sitting on Calvin's bed with a giant book in front of him. "I have the encyclopedia entry up right here! Yeah, I did look it up! You try doing this, some time!"

Suddenly, Calvin came walking into the room.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take Hobbes," He groaned.

"Ssshh! I'm on the phone." Hobbes shushed Calvin holding his paw up.

Calvin stared at Hobbes in disbelief.

"Who are you talking to?" He demanded.

"The super market's bakery! They're doing a survey. Now hush!" Hobbes said. "What's that? No I wasn't talking to you. Now, how many times do we have to go over this? People won't eat anything without sprinkles on it! Can't you comprehend that?"

Calvin walked up to Hobbes, and grabbed the phone from him.

"Excuse sir?" He said into the phone. "Hello yes, I'm the owner of this house. Uh huh. Listen, I need to vent. Desperately. It's either going to be you or my friend. What's it gonna be?"

_CLICK_

"I thought as much." Calvin said, hanging the phone up.

"Well great, Calvin, now that moron's going to go and make Christmas cookies without sprinkles on them and put them out into the public." Hobbes moaned. "I think that's actually illegal in some states."

"Tough. Anyway, I need your advice." Calvin said, getting onto the bed with Hobbes.

"Sure, what do you need?"

"I'm not sure how much longer I can be good for Santa. Christmas is still two days away, and I'm about to go totally insane!"

Hobbes blinked.

"Just now, I saw Susie making a snowman in her backyard.... It was a perfect shot! The snow was nice and wet and I could've gotten a good hit right upside her head with a slushball! But, I remembered that Santa was watching, and I had to pass up that perfect opportunity! How fair is that?!"

"Uum..."

"My point exactly. So what I want to know is when do you think Santa takes a lunch break from spying on innocent children?"

There was a pause.

"I really couldn't imagine, Calvin," Hobbes said.

"I mean really! That's what it is! The man is spying on us! Don't you think that's a little creepy? And you know chances are he's eavesdropping on us at this very moment!"

"Yeah, probably." Hobbes nodded.

"So what do you think I should do?"

Hobbes stared at Calvin for a long moment.

"I don't know, Calvin," Hobbes said, slowly.

"Well, you're no help!" Calvin said, his brow furrowing.

Hobbes shrugged.

"Alright, so I think my next plan of action should be to wait Santa out. If I just stay in my bedroom for the next two days, I'll be home free and get everything on my list!"

"You do that, Calvin," Hobbes said, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, hey, Calvin," MTM suddenly called from the desk.

"What is it, MTM?" Calvin asked, turning around.

"I'm receiving two audio messages from an unknown source." MTM said. "Should I play them back?"

"Sure," Calvin said. "Put in playback mix command number 6845."

Hobbes stared at Calvin in disbelief.

Calvin looked around.

"What?" He asked.

"How do you remember this stuff?" He demanded.

"Now playing back," MTM said.

"AH HA!!!" screamed a voice from the MTM. "IT IS I!! _**DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!!**_ COME TO DESTROY YOU'RE CHRISTMAS!!! AND YOU WITH IT!!!"

"Oh, hey, Frank," Hobbes said. "Merry Christmas."

"_**DR BRAINSTORM!!!**_AND SAME TO YOU, SUCKERS!! PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!!!"

"NOT IF I GET THERE AND DESTROY THEM FIRST!!!" Came the second voice of Sheila Brainstorm.

"HEY!!! THIS IS MY RADIO WAVE CONTACT!! GET OFF THE LINE!!!" Brainstorm shouted.

"MAKE ME!!!!"

"I ORDER YOU TO GET OFF THE LINE!!!" Brainstorm screamed hysterically.

"NEVER!!!!"

"I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!!!!!"

"YOU ALL WILL DIIIIEEEEEE!!!!"

And with that the message died out.

There was a moment of silence.

"What's wrong with Frank's voice?" Calvin asked.

"Sounded like he was doing some Tuvan throat singing." Hobbes said.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, we'll ask out it when he gets here." Calvin shrugged. "Let's go meet him at the front gate."

"Yes, lets." Hobbes nodded.

And with that, Calvin picked up the MTM and the two walked out the door.

* * *

After dressing up for the brutal cold outside, Calvin and Hobbes exited their house, walked up to the front gate and waited for Brainstorm and Sheila's arrival.

It wasn't long before Brainstorm crashed his jet in Calvin's front yard.

Brainstorm leaped out, and pointed his Servant Ray at Calvin.

"AH!! CALVIN! I CAN SEE YOU'RE COMPLETELY PETRIFIED WITH FEAR!!!" He screamed.

"Yeah sure," Calvin said, rolling his eyes. "Say, Frank? What's wrong with you're voice?"

"_**DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!!!**_ AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY VOICE!!!"

"Yes, there is, your talking in three different pitches at once!" Hobbes said.

"I WILL NEVER TELL YOU!! YOU MIGHT USE IT AGAINST ME WHEN I'M KING OF THE UNIVERSE!!!"

At that moment Jack came out of the rocket.

"Hey, Calvin. Hobbes." He said, holding a hand up in greeting.

"Hey, Jack." Calvin said, waving. "What's wrong with Frank's voice?"

"He was screaming at me and it got stuck like that." Jack said.

"_**JACK!!!**_ YOU'VE GIVEN INSIDE INFORMATION AWAY TO THE _ENEMY!!! __**HOW COULD YOU?!?!**_"

Before Jack could answer, another object of interest came into view.

_**CRASH!!!**_

There was a loud explosion of snow and ice, as Sheila crash landed her jet on the ground next to Brainstorm's.

She quickly leaped out, with her own pink Servant Ray along with Jacqueline.

"ALIEN TRANSMITTER BOY!!! PREPARE TO BE VAPORIZED BY MY AMAZING DO-WHATEVER-I-TELL-IT-TO-DO RAY!!!" She screamed.

"Hi Jacqueline, merry Christmas." Hobbes said.

"Merry Christmas, boys," Jacqueline smiled, waving at them.

"_**STOP INTERACTING WITH THE ENEMY, JACQUELINE!!!**_"

"SHEILA!!! YOU CAN'T DESTROY THEM!! ONLY I GET TO!!" Brainstorm cut in.

"YEAH, WELL TOO BAD FOR YOU!!! I'M GONNA DESTROY THEM!! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!"

"IF YOU DESTROY THEM, I'LL TELL MOTHER!!!" Brainstorm announced.

"IF _YOU _DESTROY THEM, _I'LL _TELL MOTHER!!!!" Sheila screamed even louder.

"THEN I'LL STOP MAKING YOUR STUFF!!!" Brainstorm shouted, topping Sheila with his three extremely loud voices.

"THEN I'LL TELL MOTHER THAT YOU STOPPED!!!" Sheila screamed at him.

Brainstorm and Sheila glared icicles at each other for a solid thirty seconds, growling at each other.

Calvin, Hobbes, MTM, Jack and Jacqueline watched for a moment.

"Never gets boring, does it?" Calvin asked.

Jack and Jacqueline shook their heads in unison.

Suddenly, Brainstorm whipped back around to Calvin.

"ALRIGHT, CALLY!! YOU'VE WON THIS ROUND!!!"

Calvin stared at Brainstorm.

"You haven't even done anything, yet!" He yelled, in disbelief.

"Yeah well, neither one of us can destroy you or the other will tell Mother." Sheila growled.

"It does kind of limit their list of options." Hobbes said.

"BUT KNOW THAT I WILL BE BACK!!!" Brainstorm screeched. "WHEN SHEILA ISN'T HERE TO BUG ME!!!"

"I WILL BE BACK, FIRST!!!" Sheila screamed. "AND I'LL HAVE ALREADY DESTROYED THEM!!! SO THERE!"

"NO YOU WON'T!!" Brainstorm screamed at her. "JACK!!! GET IN THE ROCKET!!! WE'RE GOING HOME!!"

Brainstorm and Sheila both leaped into their rockets and waited for robot companions to follow them.

Jack heaved a deep sigh.

"I'm amazed we manage to pay for the gas for these stupid trips across the country." He said, shaking his head.

"Ditto," Jacqueline agreed.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Well, even though it was brief, it was good to see you two, again," Hobbes said.

"Same here," Jack said. "And if we don't see you before the year ends, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year."

"Same here," Calvin grinned.

Jack and Jacqueline then said their goodbyes, and climbed into their respective rockets with Brainstorm and Sheila.

"WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?!" Brainstorm screeched, as Jack came in.

"I was saying goodbye," Jack said, as he sat down and buckled up.

"LIAR!!!" Brainstorm shouted. "YOU WERE GIVING MORE TOP SECRET INFORMATION AWAY TO THEM!!! OUT WITH IT, JACK!!!"

"You know the novelty of those three voices of yours are really starting to wear off," Jack considered. "It's actually getting pretty annoying."

"WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IT TO STOP!!!" Brainstorm shrieked. "SO JUST LIVE WITH... OUCH!!!"

Suddenly, Jack reached forward, and thumped Brainstorm on his back. His voice cracked, slightly, and then returned to normal.

There was a moment of silence

"How did you do that?" He demanded, finally in only one voice.

Jack stared at Brainstorm for a long moment.

"Being totally truthful," He said. "I have no idea why that worked."

Brainstorm put his index and middle finger on his throat, and felt his vocal chords as he spoke.

"Whatever, let's just go get the rest of this stupid visit over."

Brainstorm then started the rocket, and lifted it off the ground.

* * *

Calvin and Hobbes watched as the two rockets, which both miraculously still worked, rose from the ground, and shot off towards Yellowstone.

There was a silence as they watched them go.

"Well.." Hobbes said at last. "That was weird,"

"Well, it's good we're in those people's lives, or they'd probably end up killing each other," Calvin shrugged. "Want to go watch _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_?"

"Ooo, the king of all Christmas specials!" Hobbes said.

"I'm rather disappointed at the anticlimactic ending, here." MTM said.

Calvin and Hobbes shrugged, and went inside to watch the movie.

* * *

Meanwhile in the Brainstorm rocket, Brainstorm was grumpily flying the jet back towards his lab.

Jack was sitting beside him, sipping on a bottle of Coka Cola.

For a while nothing was said. Finally, Jack

"Say, Frank?" Jack began, looking over at Brainstorm.

"_**DOCTOR BRAINSTORM!!!**_"

"Merry Christmas," Jack said, leaning forward and getting another bottle of Cola.

Brainstorm looked over at Jack.

"Merry Christmas, Jack," He said, finally. "You know, I never really tell you this too often, but... you're really not a bad guy."

"Yeah, I know," Jack said, taking another big sip from his soda.

Brainstorm glared at him.

* * *

Meanwhile, as Sheila drove her rocket back to Brainstorm's lab, Jacqueline set her bottle of Pepsi on the table, and looked over at Sheila.

"Hey, Sheila?" She started.

"_**WHAT?!?!**_"

"Merry Christmas," She said, sweetly.

Sheila paused for a moment.

"Merry Christmas, Jacqueline," She muttered, reluctantly.

Jacqueline beamed, and leaned back in her seat.

"Don't you _DARE_ tell anyone I said that!!!" Sheila screeched.

**The End**


	3. The Ghost of Christmas Oddities

It was a regular pre-Christmas day at the mall.

Shoppers were hurriedly rushing from store to store trying to get everything on their list before it closed. Ironically, they spent most of their time arguing with other shoppers about who should get the last Zune on the self.

Among all the chaos, there was a giant white platform right in the middle of the mall. A tall man dressed as Santa Claus sat in a bright red chair while a man dressed as an elf stood next to him. There was a long line of kids in front of them.

A small boy that looked no older than five walked up the Santa.

"Hi, Santa!" He squeaked, as the Santa pulled him up onto his lap.

"Well, hello there, little boy," The Santa said, cheerfully, "What's your name?"

"Nate," The boy said, his finger in his mouth.

"Hello, Nate," The Santa said, beaming. "And have you been a good boy, this year?"

Nate nodded.

"Well, that's great!" The Santa said. "And what would like for Christmas, this year, Nate?"

"Some toy cars," Nate said, shyly, his finger still in his mouth.

"Some toy cars!" The Santa laughed, heartily. "Well, I'll defiantly add that to my list, little Nate,"

Nate grinned.

"Thanks, Santa," He smiled.

"No problem, Nate," The Santa said putting the boy back onto the ground. "Merry Christmas!"

Nate happily ran back to his mother, who was waiting outside of the platform.

Next walked up a small girl that looked only four years of age.

"Why, hello there, little girl!" The Santa said, heaving the girl onto his lap. "What's your name?"

"Jenny," The girl said.

"Hello Jenny!" The Santa said, beaming. "And what would you like for Christmas?"

"Can I have a tea set, Santa?" Jenny said.

"Why of course, Jenny!" The Santa grinned. "I'll add that to my list!"

The department store Santa put Jenny back onto the ground where she ran back to her parents.

Then, another boy of the age of six came up.

He had blond spiky hair and he was carrying a stuffed tiger with him.

"hello, little boy!" The Santa said, heaving him into his lap. "What's your name?"

"Calvin," The boy said. "Oh, and just out of curiosity, how is it, that when your in a mall, you can't remember any of the kid's names, but you're constantly watching us when you're at the North Poll?"

There was moment of silence.

The Santa and the elf stared at Calvin.

"Um...." The Santa started. "Well, I just have to have my memory jogged every now and then...."

"Ah, I see," Calvin said, rubbing his chin. "Oh, yes, and I didn't see your reindeer parked outside. Did you get here by plane or did use a teleportor?"

"Anyway...." The Santa said, rolling his eyes. "Have you been a good boy, this year?"

"Yes!" Calvin said, without hesitation. He paused. "Sort of. In a way.... OK, let's say certain circumstances, beyond my control I might add, could cause me to kind of stray off into the gray area, sometimes. I mean, seriously, who can be a totally perfect angel all 365 days of the year?"

The Santa rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, what would you like for Christmas, this year?"

"Well, my parents said I could only list two things that I _really_ wanted, so I couldn't hand deliver my list to you."

"Well, how big was the list?" The Santa asked.

"I don't know, but it cost me ten bucks to send it to you."

The elf and Santa exchanged glances.

"Anyway, after much consideration, I've decided on the items I'll personally ask you for," Calvin said, draping the stuffed tiger over his shoulder.

The Santa nodded, and leaned over.

"A heat-seeking missile and a flame thrower," Calvin said, grinning. "Can you believe Radio Shack doesn't sell those? I honestly wonder how some of these places stay in business,"

Silence.

"Um... Okay...." The Santa said, looking from side to side. "I'll add that to my list...."

"Thanks," Calvin grinned. "Oh, and before I go, Hobbes and I have a bet." He motioned to the stuffed tiger. "Do you get a stomach ache after eating all those billions of cookies and drinking all those gallons milk when you get back to the North Pole at the beginning of Christmas?"

Another silence.

"Uuuh.... Not.... really, no," The Santa said.

"HA!" Calvin said, patting Hobbes on the shoulder. "You owe five dollars my friend!"

And with that, Calvin jumped off of the department store Santa's lap, and rushed off.

The elf and Santa exchanged glances.

"Well, that was weird...." The elf said, as the next kid came up.

"Well, did you tell Santa what you wanted for Christmas?" Mom asked, as Calvin ran up to her.

"Yep, but I just scanned the guy with MTM, and his DNA signature doesn't match Santa's! The guy's an imposter!"

"Well, yeah, Calvin, he's one of Santa's helpers," Mom explained, leading Calvin away.

"Why'd he dress up as Santa, then?" Calvin asked.

Mom paused.

"Because... it's in the Christmas spirit?" She replied.

"Ah, of course! How foolish of me!" Calvin said, snapping his fingers.

Mom rolled her eyes.

She and Calvin went out to the car, and got in.

"Yeah, I knew it wasn't Santa from the beginning," Hobbes said, buckling up. "He kept glancing over at the hot dog stand next to the platform."

"Well, it could be worse," Calvin said. "At least people don't dress up as the Easter Bunny around April."

Mom revved the car up, and started home.

* * *

"Well, all and all a successful trip," Calvin said, as he and Hobbes stepped out of the car into the snow.

"Yep," Hobbes nodded.

As Mom walked into the house, Hobbes stopped Calvin.

"Wait a minute, Calvin!" He yelled. "Would you mind doing something for me?"

Calvin paused.

"Sure. What do need?" He said finally.

"Uuuh... Stand here and tell me if there's a draft." Hobbes said pointing at a spot in the snow.

Silence.

"Hobbes. We're outside." Calvin said, finally. "You think maybe that has to do with your little 'draft'?"

"Well, do you feel any wind here?" Hobbes asked.

Calvin looked around.

"No, it's fairly calm, today." He replied.

"Well, I felt a gust of wind, and I just need to make sure you didn't rip a hole in reality, again." Hobbes shrugged.

Calvin snorted.

"Right, Hobbes. Like I'm going to fall for this," He sighed. "What do you take me for, anyway?"

Hobbes paused.

"Um..."

"You can come out, Socrates!" Calvin called. "I've caught on to your little game!" He turned back to Hobbes. "Really Hobbes. Is this the best you can do? You're asking me to stand there, so I'll get suspicious and avoid that spot at all costs. Which in turn will cause me to step somewhere else that rigged, and get soaked with pickle juice or some other disgusting liquid. I'm sorry Hobbes, but I've been duped one too many times to be fooled by that little gag."

Calvin stepped into the area that Hobbes told him to stand in.

"I really pity Socrates, Hobbes. I mean, I've been noticing that he's beginning to slip up, lately, and...."

_**SPLAAAASSH!!!!!**_ "AAAAAAAAUGH!!!"

All at once over three gallons of Listerine mouthwash came falling from the sky, and hit Calvin square on his head.

Hobbes watched silently. An eerie clam filled Calvin's backyard. The kind of calm you'd expect right before the Earth blew up. Calvin stood dripping wet in the dirt. The Listerine having melted all the snow around him.

Socrates came walking up to Hobbes sipping on a cup of egg nog.

"Yo!" He grinned. "How goes it?"

"Calvin's angry, again." Hobbes replied.

"Great!" Socrates grinned. "Mission accomplished, buddy! Care for some egg nog?"

"Not really," Hobbes said, looking at the cup. "Raw eggs and all that."

"Oh, come on! Trust me on this!!" Socrates said, shoving another cup in Hobbes' paws.

Hobbes shrugged, and took the cup from Socrates.

"WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!?!"

"Hmm, this isn't bad!" Hobbes nodded. "What's in it?"

"Bacon," Socrates replied.

"YOU'RE GETTING WORRIED!!! I CAN TELL!! I ALMOST DIDN'T FALL FOR IT THAT TIME!!!"

"Well, let's go watch _Deck the Halls_, shall we?" Hobbes suggested.

"Sounds lovely. Let us depart!" Socrates grinned.

And with that the two tigers walked off.

Calvin watched them in seething anger.

"I WISH I HAD NEVER MET EITHER ONE OF YOU!!!!" He screamed after them.

"Bacon, huh?" Hobbes asked, looking at the cup in his hands.

"Ah-yep!" Socrates grinned.

And they entered the house.

Calvin growled, and spun around.

He stormed off to the other side of the house. He didn't want to see Socrates _or_ Hobbes at that moment.

He walked around to the back porch, sat down on it, and began doing the activity that he performs every time Socrates tricks him: Sulking.

"Stupid cats," He grumbled. "I can't believe I fell for that again. He's done that to me so many times in the past I keep falling for it! What am I doing wrong?!"

"Well for starters, he keeps switching his plans." Came a voice from beside Calvin.

Calvin leaped in surprise.

"AUNTIE 'EM!!!" He screamed, not knowing what else to say.

He collapsed in the snow, and stared in the general direction that the voice came from.

There was perfect replica of Calvin sitting on the porch beside where Calvin himself had just been. The only difference was that he was not wearing any winter clothes, but Calvin's usual attire of a red T-shirt and black pants.

He stared at Calvin for a long moment.

"You're a little high sprung," He observed.

"THE CLONES ARE LOOSE!!!" Calvin screamed.

"I'm not a clone," The other Calvin said.

"YES YOU ARE!!!"

"No I'm not," The other Calvin sighed.

Calvin looked the second him up and down.

"If your not a clone then that must mean you're a.... reality reflection! TWO UNIVERSES ARE COLLIDING!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!"

"I'm not a reality reflection!" The second Calvin groaned.

"Then what are you?!" Calvin demanded.

"I'm your guardian angel." The second Calvin replied, holding his hand out. "The name's Jake!"

Calvin stared at the other Calvin for a long moment.

"OK, I'm going to go ask Socrates what he put in that Listerine," He said, finally turning around.

As soon as Calvin turned, he saw Jake standing right in front of him.

"GAH!!" Calvin yelled, falling backwards. He looked over to where Jake had just been sitting. It was now vacant.

"I'm here to grant your wish," Jake said.

Now Calvin was starting to get a little amused.

"What wish?" He demanded.

"You wished you had never met Hobbes or Socrates. I'm here to grant it for you. And in case you weren't listening. It's because he's switching his plans."

Calvin blinked.

"Wha.. What?" He demanded.

"Socrates will set up a booby trap and ask you to stand somewhere else, knowing you'll avoid that spot and stand where he set the trap up. Then he'll do it, again, except that time he'll put the trap where he asks you to stand. It's called psychology." Jake explained.

"No, it's called stupidity!" Calvin spat. "And what do you mean you're going to grant my wish? Is this another one of those stories with morals in it? Because if so...."

Jake snapped his fingers.

"There you go," He said. "You never met Socrates or Hobbes."

"Don't you give me that! I demand an explanation for this!" Calvin ordered.

"You'll get it," Jake said, turning and walking away.

Calvin leaped to his feet.

"Don't you walk away when I'm speaking to you! Hey! How much do they pay you for this?"

But Jake simply waved and disappeared around the side of the house.

Calvin quickly ran after him, only to discover that he had vanished, as soon as he rounded the corner.

"If you're my guardian angel then you have to know that I _HATE _IT WHEN PEOPLE JUST GO AND VANISH ON ME, LIKE THAT!!!" He called.

No reply came.

Calvin grumbled, and walked off towards the front of the house.

He walked into the house.

"Hobbes, some creepy kid who looks like me is running around on our property, snapping his fingers. Would you come help me plug the hose in?"

Nobody replied to Calvin's request.

"Hobbes?" He asked, looking around.

"Ho boy, you're thick headed." Came a familiar voice.

Calvin leaped around.

"EVIL!!!" He screamed, jabbing a finger at Jake who was standing behind him with his arms crossed.

"I told you. I made it so you never met Hobbes!" Jake sighed.

"Calvin, what are you doing in here?" Came another voice from behind Calvin.

Calvin spun around.

Mom was standing in the doorway to the livingroom glaring at Calvin, suspiciously.

"Mom, there's some deranged freak who looks just like me who broke into our house!" Calvin yelled.

"What did you break, now, Calvin?" Mom sighed.

"I didn't break anything!" Calvin exclaimed. "He's the one to blame for everything that's wrong in the world."

He spun around.

Jake was gone.

Calvin spun back around.

Mom was staring at him, blankly with her arms crossed.

"You know what, just forget I said anything," Calvin said. "You can go ahead and disregard all previous statements made by me."

There was a pause.

"I'm going to go up to my room and talk to my closet door for a few minutes." Calvin said, finally.

And with that, he raced upstairs.

"What did he break?" Dad called from the livingroom.

"I don't know, yet." Mom said, turning back and going back. "We'll probably find out within the next couple of hours, I'm sure."

* * *

_SLAM!!_

Calvin burst into his bedroom and slammed the door.

"Jake! Where are you!" He demanded. "I demand you tell me what's going on here!"

"I don't know how many times I need to tell you," Jake sighed, who suddenly appeared on Calvin's bed, causing him to jump. "I granted your wish so that you never met Hobbes or Socrates."

"Yeah, I understand that part, St. Paul! But what I want to know is _why?!"_

"St. Paul?" Jake demanded.

"Oh, I'm sorry, can you think of a better name to call a smart elec angel?" Calvin demanded.

"St. Paul isn't a smart elec," Jake said.

"Yeah, well you are! So there!"

Jake rolled his eyes.

"Now, I demand that you tell me why you did this!!" Calvin ordered.

"The second you said that you wished you never had met them, you took both Hobbes and Socrates for granted." Jake said. "And that's not cool,"

"OK, so I spoke a little bit out of term," Calvin admitted. "That's no reason to go and change my life, is it?"

There was a moment's silence.

"Yyyes, it is," Jake nodded, finally.

"Why?!" Calvin demanded.

"One, because it's fun to see you react to all this, and two, because you need to learn not to take people in your life for granted. No matter how much you dislike them." Jake said.

"That's not _fair!!!_" Calvin yelled.

"It's extremely fair," Jake said. "You know, most guardian angels don't go through the trouble of teaching their clients these kind of lessons. You're one of the lucky ones."

Calvin stared at Jake in disbelief.

"_Clients?!_" He demanded.

"Sure. We're like lawyers, except we have souls and we know what's best for everyone." Jake shrugged.

Calvin stood there, totally shocked at what he was hearing.

Jake looked around Calvin's room.

"Anyway, when do _you_ think the economy is going to get better?"

"You're enjoying this!" Calvin growled.

"Quite to the contrary," Jake said. "It's my job."

"Well, can you bring them back?!" Calvin asked.

"Nope,"

"Why not?!"

"Because the magic will only work again once you've learned your lesson. This is a very complex system we're running, here, kid."

Calvin growled, and stormed off towards his bedside desk.

"MTM! Teleport me to Socrates' mansion!" He ordered, opening his desk drawer where he kept the MTM.

He wasn't there.

"MTM?" Calvin asked.

He closed that drawer, and opened the next one.

That one was stuffed full of random clothes, but contained no CD player.

"MTM!!" Calvin yelled, getting impatient.

"He's over here," Jake said.

Calvin looking up.

Jake was pointing at Calvin's work desk on the other side of his bedroom. There sat the red CD player.

"Oh, thanks," Calvin said.

"Sure," Jake yawned.

Calvin ran up to the MTM.

"MTM, teleport me to Socrates' mansion, please." He said, picking the CD player up.

MTM didn't reply.

"MTM," Calvin said, his brow furrowing. "The mansion, please."

Silence

Calvin's expression darkened, and he opened the MTM up.

"This isn't the MTM!" He said, closing the player up. "There's no wires or interdimensional hard drive in this thing. This is just a CD player!"

"Mm-hmm," Jake nodded.

Calvin threw the CD player down.

"Where's the MTM?" He demanded, turning to Jake.

"He doesn't exist," Jake shrugged.

Calvin's expression remained blank.

"What?" He questioned.

"Since you never met Hobbes, you never developed any desire to go on any adventures. So you never made the MTM."

Calvin paused.

"Well... Well what about my other inventions? The Mini Duplicator, the Mega-Shrinker 5000, the Scream Horn...."

"Nope, you didn't make those, either." Jake said.

There was a pause.

"Have I learned my lesson, yet?" Calvin asked.

Jake sighed.

"Look, I'll take you to Socrates' mansion." He said.

* * *

"Condemned?!" Calvin yelled in shock, staring at the sign in the backyard of the mansion. The windows and doors of the great mansion where boarded up. "Why is this condemned?!"

"Well, since you never met Hobbes, Socrates never met Hobbes. And because of this, Socrates had no reason to want to stay here. So he convinced his owners to move back to California. And since nobody stays in this house more than six months, the realty office decided not to try and sell it, again. So it's coming down next week."

Calvin paused.

"Socrates used to live in California?" He demanded.

"What, you didn't know that?" Jake asked.

"Just an observation. Where is he living, now?"

"He's in LA, trying to get booked for a movie." Jake said. "He's having problems getting in, because neither the director nor the producer like him."

"That sounds about right." Calvin considered. He thought for a moment. "Wait, a minute, how long as Socrates wanted to be an actor?"

He turned and faced Jake. He had vanished, again.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"Oh, how I hate that," He growled.

He thought for a moment.

"Well, maybe Sherman would understand my predicament. I'll go see if he can suggest something." He decided.

And with that, he raced off towards Andy and Sherman's house.

Once he reached their house, he noticed that something was a bit off: There was no giant sophisticated satellite dish sitting on their roof.

"That's odd," Calvin observed, walking through the front gate.

He cautiously made his way up to the front door, and knocked.

There was a pause, then a tall man answered the door, which Calvin automatically recognized as Andy's father.

"Oh, hi!" Calvin grinned. "I never see you, here!"

Andy's Dad stared at Calvin.

"I _live_ here," He said.

"That doesn't change the fact that I never see you in there," Calvin shrugged. "Anyway, is Andy present?"

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" Andy's dad asked, raising his eyebrow.

"I'm Calvin," Calvin replied. "I'm a friend of Andy's. Remember, you, him, the hamster and I took down the villain Rupert Chill a while back!"

"You're a friend of Andy's?" Andy's dad began.

"Yep." Calvin grinned.

"Do you know that Andy and his hamster ran away four years ago and haven't lived here, since?" Andy's dad questioned.

Silence greeted these words.

"I did not know that, no...." Calvin said.

Andy's dad rolled his eyes, and closed the door.

"Hey, wait! I need to see your talking hamster!" Calvin yelled.

No reply came.

Calvin looked over his shoulder.

There was a man on the sidewalk staring at him, uneasily, as he walked past.

"Oh, like you've never seen a talking hamster, before!" Calvin spat.

The man gave him an odd look and disappeared behind a corner.

Calvin spun back around, again.

Jake was standing in front of him.

"GAH!!" Calvin screamed, tumbling backwards at his sudden appearance. "WOULD YOU QUIT DOING THAT?!?!"

"You are _way_ too high strung," Jake shook his head.

"Where's Andy and Sherman?!" Calvin demanded.

"You never met Hobbes," Jake yawned. "So you never ran away from home with Hobbes and met Andy and Sherman at that abandoned school."

"Right, so what happened to them?" Calvin demanded.

Jake stared at Calvin for a moment.

"Best if you just forgot about them, Calvin," He said, finally.

"Oh, don't give me that!" Calvin groaned. "Just show me where they are!"

Jake sighed.

"Alright..." He said. "But please don't blame all this on me."

"You can expect me to." Calvin warned.

"Whatever," Jake said, "Come on. But I have to warn you. It isn't pretty."

* * *

"Taco Johns?" Calvin asked. "Why are we here?"

"This is where Andy is," Jake said. "He works here."

"What, he's a cashier? What's so terrible about that?"

"He's not a cashier." Jake said.

"Well, what is he?" Calvin demanded, turning to face Jake. Who had vanished again.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"This is getting _very _old." He grumbled, and he walked into the restaurant.

There weren't that many people there. Only like two or three tables were occupied with hungry costumers.

Calvin walked up to the front counter.

"May I help you?" asked the man behind the cash register.

"Yes, I'm here to see a Mr Andy." Calvin said, professionally.

"Andy who?" the cashier asked.

There was a pause.

"I don't really know." He began.

The man rolled his eyes.

"Wow, that's weird," Calvin said. "I've known the kid for four years, but I don't know what his last name is. I'll have to ask him."

"Alright, there's only one Andy here. I'll go get him." The man said, walking off.

"Thanks," Calvin grinned, staring over the top of the counter.

There was a pause.

Finally, Calvin saw Andy walking up. He was wearing an apron and had yellow latex gloves on.

"Yo, what do you need?" He asked, taking his gloves off.

Calvin stared in horror.

"Oh.... Oh god, no!" He moaned. "You're... You're a _busboy?!?!_"

Andy looked from side to side.

"Uuuh... yes?" He began.

Calvin threw his head back in despair.

"OH, SWEET GOD IN HEAVEN!! _**WHY?!?**_" He cried.

"Do I know you?" Andy asked, his brow furrowing.

Calvin looked back down.

"Yes, yes, you do! Andy, it's me! Calvin!" He said, desperately.

"Calvin... Calvin... doesn't ring a bell," Andy said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"Yes, it does! You and I fought off the Teacher Creature!"

"Who's that? A band?" Andy asked.

Calvin stared at Andy in disbelief. Then he noticed something was a bit off.

"Where's Sherman?!" He asked, looking around. "You never don't have Sherman with you!"

"How do you know about Sherman?!" Andy demanded.

"Because you always have him with you!!!" Calvin shouted, hysterically.

"Sssh, quiet! People are looking over at us!" Andy shushed, looking over his shoulders. "Listen kid, I've never met you in my life. I'm sorry."

"Quiz me!" Calvin said, crossing his arms.

"What?!" Andy questioned.

"Ask me something about yourself!" Calvin said, raising his eyebrows. "If I get it wrong, I'll leave. If I get it right, you tell me where Sherman is, because I need to talk to him."

Andy looked Calvin up and down.

"What school do I go do?"

"You're home schooled," Calvin said, without hesitation.

"What do I like to do with my free time?"

"Play video games."

"What's Sherman like?"

"He's an egotistical little genius who can talk and somehow manages to afford a laboratory under your house,"

"What's my social security number?"

Calvin stared at Andy, blankly.

"I see you still retained your twisted sense of humor, even though reality has been tampered with." He sighed.

"Ah well, best three out four," Andy shrugged.

There was a moment of silence.

"So," Calvin said. "Where's Sherman?"

"I don't know," Andy said, sadly. "I had to sell him when I ran away."

"YOU WHAT?!?" Calvin demanded.

"I'm living in an apartment on the edge of town, and they have a strict 'no pets' policy." Andy sighed. "I sold him to a couple who was moving down to California. Elliot, I think his name was."

Calvin's eyes bulged.

"Oooh... That poor hamster," He moaned, knowing exactly who Andy was talking about.

"Yeah, I really don't want to talk about it." Andy said.

There was a moment of silence.

"I need to get back to work," Andy said, finally. "It was nice to meet you, Calvin."

And with that, Andy turned and walked away, leaving Calvin to his own thoughts.

"Wait a minute..." He started. "How the heck can you afford to live in an apartment?"

* * *

As he walked out the front door, Calvin saw Jake sitting in the snow in the driveway.

"Jambo," he said, cheerfully.

"They just let _anybody _become guardian angels these days!" Calvin complained, trudging through the snow past Jake.

Jake rolled his eyes.

"You know this is for your own good." He said.

"NO!" Calvin said, finally losing his temper and spinning around to face Jake. "It is _NOT_ for my own good! Look at this! You took Hobbes out of my life, and because of it, none of my inventions exist, Andy's not living with his parents and working at a Taco Johns and Sherman is being put through God knows what in California with Socrates! I don't even know where Hobbes is through all this!"

"He's in the wild. Never been caught," Jake shrugged.

"You've made all of our lives miserable, just because I never met Hobbes!" Calvin cried. "I never met him!"

"Nope," Jake shook his head. "Never did."

"And of course, you don't care!" Calvin shouted. "It's no skin off your back! It's just another day for you!!"

"Yep, more or less," Jake nodded.

"I can't believe you!" Calvin shouted, turning away, and burying his face in his hands.

"Hmm?" Jake asked.

"Life is absolutely miserable without Hobbes or Socrates!" Calvin wailed. "and I just want it to go back to the way it used to be."

At this, Jake's eyebrows jumped.

"Oh, but NOOOOO, I can't have them back until I learn my lesson!! Alright, fine! I'll just go home and sit in my Hobbesless house and suffer!" Calvin yelled, throwing his arms into the air.

He spun back around to where Jake was.

He had disappeared.

Calvin's eyes narrowed.

"Fine, then!" He yelled, angrily. "So you're going to do that, again?! Doesn't bother me any!"

* * *

Meanwhile, a few feet away, an overweight man with a moustache walked past Taco Johns. He spotted a small six year old boy yelling at a melted patch of snow.

"Mmm-hmmmm," The man said, walking a little faster.

* * *

Calvin's walk home was a slow one.

He hung his head sadly, feeling sorry for himself as he walked up to his house.

He went up to the door, and tried the handle. It was locked.

Calvin's eyes rolled skyward.

He stepped back and reached under the mat, where he pulled out a spare key. He unlocked the door, and walked inside.

"Mom, Dad? I'm back," He said, sadly.

He walked into the livingroom.

Hobbes and Socrates were sitting on the couch, watching a Christmas special.

Calvin took no notice to them, and moped his way over to the couch and climbed onto it.

Hobbes looked over at him.

"Hey, Calvin," He said, between bites of popcorn.

"Hi," Calvin grumbled, not yet registering who he was talking to.

"Is there something wrong?" Hobbes asked.

"Nothing you would understand," Calvin said, grumpily.

"Try me," Hobbes said.

"Well, I made a wish that I had never met you and some stupid little guardian angel came up and..." Calvin paused. He looked up at Hobbes. He looked over at Socrates. He looked back at Hobbes.

"_**HOBBES!!!!**_" Calvin screamed in delight, throwing himself over Hobbes.

"GACK!!" Hobbes yelled in shock. "Socrates! He's got me in a headlock!!"

"Wait! Wait! Hold on! I love this part!!" Socrates laughed, pointing at the screen.

"Thocrateth!!" Hobbes yelled in a garbled voice, as Calvin continued to hug him so hard that he couldn't breath.

"Oh very well. Calvin, get off of him," Socrates said, turning to Hobbes.

"Buzz off, Cat!" Calvin growled.

"Whatever," Socrates said, turning back to the screen.

"Oh, Hobbes, I'm so glad to see you!!" Calvin yelled in joy, as he let go of Hobbes.

"You saw me just a couple minutes ago!" Hobbes gasped, pulling away. "And Socrates and I had just pranked you!"

"I don't care!" Calvin grinned, pulling Hobbes into another hug. "You and Socrates can prank me as much as you want to!"

"WE CAN?!?!" Socrates shouted, hysterically, turning his head to Calvin so fast that his neck cracked.

"If you come anywhere near me," Calvin warned, holding his fist up.

Socrates shrugged and turned back to the screen.

"Uuuh.. Calvin," Hobbes began.

"Yeah, ol' buddy?" Calvin asked.

"Did I miss something?"

"Yes, Hobbes, you've missed a lot of somethings." Calvin said. "Don't do it, anymore. And don't ever leave! Got it?"

Hobbes cut his eyes from side to side.

"Erm.... Sure..."

"Promise?"

"Sure, I promise," Hobbes shrugged.

"Good." Calvin nodded.

"What about me?" Socrates grinned, looking over at Calvin. "What do you think of me?!"

"Go stick your head in a jet engine!" Calvin spat.

"Whatever," Socrates shrugged, turning back to the TV.

After the movie was over, Calvin, Hobbes, and Socrates all gathered around the Christmas tree and examined their presents, trying to find out what they were. After much note taking and estimations, darkness fell, and Socrates had to leave for home.

As Calvin and Hobbes walked up towards bed, Calvin spotted something at the bottom of the stairs. It was Jake. He was sitting in the chair in the livingroom.

He smiled up at Calvin and winked.

Calvin smiled, and followed Hobbes into the bedroom.

"Merry Christmas," He whispered, as he turned out the light.

**The End**


	4. The Night Before Christmas

"Alright!" Calvin grinned, looking over the kitchen table. "Everything is ready for Santa, tonight!"

Hobbes and Socrates, who were both wearing red Santa hats, exchanged glances.

Calvin had taken half of the contents of the cookie jar and piled them up onto a dinner plate. Next to the plate was a full one-gallon jug of chocolate milk.

"Are you sure Santa has time to eat all this, Calvin?" Socrates asked, looking it over.

"Of course he does!" Calvin spat. "If that jolly old elf has the time and the stomach capacity to eat all the cookies and milk all the _other kids _leave out, then I'm sure he has time for this. Besides, this is an old trick I've been using with Santa over the past few years!"

Hobbes and Socrates looked down at Calvin.

Calvin winked.

"The more cookies there are, the better your presents will be! A couple years ago, I did an experiment. I left only _one_ cookie out for him, and he gave me socks and underwear. The year following, I gave him _three_ cookies, and I didn't receive any form of clothing, whatsoever!"

Hobbes rolled his eyes.

"With any luck, this amount should be sufficient payment for everything I put on my list, this year." Calvin said, crossing his arms, satisfied.

"What if it isn't?" Hobbes asked.

There was a moment's silence.

"Then my entire theory on Santa Claus psychology will be destroyed." Calvin replied.

Hobbes and Socrates sighed, heavily.

"Well, let me know how that works out for you, Calvin," Socrates said, glancing at his watch. "I gotta get back to the mansion!"

"What are _you_ leaving out for Santa, Socrates?" Hobbes asked, as Socrates started off.

"Why, Swiss cheese, of course!" He grinned, glancing over his shoulder.

Calvin and Hobbes stared at him.

"Why?" Calvin asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Well, don't you remember that cheese commercial where the little girl leaves cheese out for Santa, and he fills her room up with highly expensive toys and cars?" Socrates asked.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"There's a science in this stuff, guys. Well, see ya! I have to go watch _The Christmas Gift_ before tomorrow." And with that, Socrates raced out.

There was a pause.

Calvin looked back over at the pile of cookies on the plate.

"Well, if this doesn't work, I'll use cheese _next _year," He grumbled, turning and walking off.

Hobbes sighed.

"Well, anywho," Calvin said, looking up at the clock. "It's five thirty. What do you say we turn in early?"

"This is the only time of year I hear you say anything remotely close to that," Hobbes said.

"Yep," Calvin grinned. "We have to be up by five in the morning, ya know!"

Hobbes thought for a moment.

"Oh very well," He said. "It'll get me closer to seeing what you got me for Christmas,"

"Hobbes, you already know," Calvin said, his brow furrowing. "It's a can of salmon that you asked me to wrap up and put under the tree,"

"Yes, well, being a tiger, I couldn't possibly need anything else!" Hobbes said, proudly.

Calvin rolled his eyes.

"Well, goodnight, Mom! Goodnight Dad!" Calvin called, as he carried Hobbes past them on his shoulder. "I'm turning in! See you at the usual time on Christmas?"

"Five in the morning, as always," Dad sighed.

"You bethcya!" Calvin grinned. "And make sure you put out the fire before you go to bed. If you burn Santa he could sue us! Or worse! Decide not to give me any loot!"

Mom and Dad rolled their eyes.

Calvin did a salute, and marched up the stairs to bed.

"Well," Mom said, checking her watch. "It's five thirty. He's going to bed a little late this year."

"Maybe it'll give us more time asleep," Dad said.

* * *

'_Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house_

_Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;_

"Well, Hobbes time for our annual present examination conclusion!" Calvin said, pulling the covers up to his chin.

"Good," Hobbes grinned, grabbing a clipboard and a pencil. "Our full three weeks of analyzing our presents will now pay off."

"Plus, there's nothing out there stirring right now, so it'll give us some extra silence to think!" Calvin added.

_The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,_

_In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;_

The night wore on, and soon, Mom and Dad got up from their chairs, unplugged the Christmas tree lights, and headed up to their bedroom.

The only source of light was a dim lamp sitting on the table, lighting the dinner plate of cookies.

Outside, the snow was lightly falling onto the ground, creating a white Christmas.

Socrates was snuggled up on the couch in front of the fireplace, fast asleep. He held in his left hand a whoopee cushion and in his right a seltzer bottle. One can only imagine what he was planning at the time.

Andy was curled up in bed, breathing lightly, the covers pulled up to his head. On the desk beside him, Sherman was sleeping, also, in a more miniature bed.

_The children were nestled all snug in their beds,_

_While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;_

"OK," Calvin said, chewing on a pencil and going over some notes. "The present that was wrapped up in the five by six box makes that really loud rattling sound when you shake it,"

"The box, evidently, is too big for the actual present, in other words." Hobbes said.

"Exactly," Calvin said. "Which means from our notes, it must not be the original box that this particular product came in. Going over the clues, this must mean that it either did not come in a box or Mom and Dad opened it and put in a different box before they wrapped it to throw us off,"

"This sure does beat dreaming about dancing vegetables," Hobbes grinned.

"You said it," Calvin said. "Now, where were we....?"

_And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,_

_Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,_

The night wore on, as Calvin and Hobbes went over their notes, make calculations, and tried to decide what had been given to them for Christmas.

After a while, they finally wrapped it up, pulled the covers up to their heads, and started falling asleep.

_When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,_

_**FOOOOM!!!**_

Calvin and Hobbes' eyes popped open.

_I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter._

Calvin sat up.

"What the heck was that?" He demanded, still in a sleep daze,

"I'm going to go onto a limb here and say.... Santa?" Hobbes said.

Calvin grinned at Hobbes, and leapt from bed.

_Away to the window I flew like a flash,_

_Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash._

Calvin stared at the window.

"What's a sash?" He asked, turning to Hobbes.

Silence.

Hobbes shrugged.

Calvin sighed, and turned back to the window.

_The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow_

_Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,_

Calvin squinted through the window, trying to see past all the frost, which had accumulated on it.

_When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,_

_But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,_

Calvin's eyes popped open and a grin spread across his face.

_With a little old driver, so lively and quick,_

_I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick._

"Hobbes! Get up, quick!! It's Santa!" Calvin grinned, whipping around.

Hobbes sprung from bed, and rushed up to Calvin's side.

_More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,_

_And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;_

"_Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!_

_On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!_

_To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!_

_Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"_

Calvin and Hobbes watched from the window.

"You'd think he'd wake someone up screaming and yelling like that," Hobbes commented.

Calvin shrugged.

_As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,_

_When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,_

_So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,_

_With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too._

"He's landing on our house, first, Hobbes!" Calvin grinned, excitedly, jumping up and down.

"That would follow,"Hobbes said, as Calvin rushed off for the door.

_And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof_

_The prancing and pawing of each little hoof._

_**CRASH!!!**_

_**GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!! GALLOP!!**_

Hobbes' eyes followed the reindeer's progress until they came to a stop.

He listened as he heard snow boots come down onto the roof.

_**THUMP!**_

He blinked.

"Ya know, I think I'll just let Calvin tell me about it in the morning," He said, turning around, and heading back towards his bed.

"Oh no you don't!" Calvin said, grabbing Hobbes' arm and leading him downstairs.

_As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,_

_Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound._

Calvin peeked around the Christmas tree, his eyes wide with excitement, as he watched the fireplace. Hobbes stood there, a little more nervously.

Suddenly, some ash fell down from the chimney.

Calvin's grin widened.

A pair of black boots fell down on top of the logs.

_**Thump!**_

A moment later, Santa emerged from the fireplace.

_He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,_

_And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;_

_A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,_

_And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack._

_His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!_

_His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!_

_His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,_

_And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;_

Calvin blinked.

_The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,_

_And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;_

"I thought Santa gave up smoking," Calvin said his brow furrowing.

_He had a broad face and a little round belly,_

_That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly._

"Yeah, and when's he going to lose all that weight?" Hobbes asked. "It could be a bad influence, you know!"

Calvin rolled his eyes.

_He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,_

_And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;_

Calvin smiled, warmly, as he watched Santa.

_A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,_

_Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;_

"We have nothing to dread, Hobbes!" Calvin said, turning to his companion.

"Hmmm," Hobbes said, not moving.

_He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,_

Calvin and Hobbes watched in glee as Santa placed small wrapped boxes into Calvin's stocking, thenHobbes' stocking, then Mom and Dad's stockings.

Then, Santa, giving them a wink, turned, again and started laying presents out around the tree. The gifts were all wrapped in bright red and green wrapping that stood out surprisingly well in the limited light.

_And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,_

_And laying his finger aside of his nose,_

_And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;_

Calvin and Hobbes watched in amazement.

"How does he _do _that?" Hobbes asked, stunned.

"I'm sure it has something to do with interdimensional energy compressing his physical size in this universe, so that he can...." Hobbes cut Calvin off.

"Yeah, right. Something about a different universe. That's what you say about everything,"

"Well, do you have any _other _kind of explanation?" Calvin asked, raising an eyebrow,

Hobbes paused.

"Uuuh.... let's just watch him take off," He said, finally.

Calvin chuckled, and he and Hobbes ran up to the window.

_He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,_

_And away they all flew like the down of a thistle._

"Wow!" Calvin breathed, a wide, joyous grin spread across his face.

_But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,_

"_Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."_

Calvin and Hobbes watched him go.

"Wow!" Calvin said, again, still grinning from eat to ear. "That was amazing!"

"Yes," Hobbes agreed. "This must be the _safest_ adventure we've ever gone on,"

"You said it!" Calvin grinned. "That had to be the shortest eight minutes of my life!"

"Indeedy-do!" Hobbes nodded.

Suddenly, the room around Calvin went hazy.

Calvin looked around, as everything around him went blurry and out of focus.

Suddenly, his eyes popped open.

He looked around.

He was laying in his bed. The covers were pulled up to his chest, and beside him sat Hobbes, sleeping soundly.

Calvin sat up.

He blinked several times and looked off towards the window.

It was still night.

Then, he realized something.

"It.... it was a dream?" He said to himself, rubbing his eyes. "How could it have been a dream? I mean... well, this explains the disembodied voice narrating the whole experience, but still..... it seemed so _real_!"

Calvin decided to ask Hobbes' opinion on the subject.

"Hobbes! Hobbes! Wake up!" Calvin grinned, nudging his friend. "It's Christmas!"

Hobbes yawned.

"Really?" He asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. "Wow... I had the.... the strangest dream," He yawned, again.

Calvin grinned.

"Was it a dream that Santa landed on our roof, and we went downstairs to meet him, and during the whole thing, some British guy was reciting _The Night Before Christmas_ in the background?

There was a pause.

"Uuh... no, I dreamt about visions about sugar-plums dancing in my head, actually," Hobbes said.

There was another pause.

"...Oh," Calvin said. "Well, all weird dreams aside, I'd just like to say, Merry Christmas, old buddy!" He wrapped his arms around Hobbes, and gave him a big hug.

"Merry Christmas to you, too, Calvin," Hobbes smiled, returning Calvin's hug.

They sat there hugging for a moment, then Calvin sat up.

"Well, enough of that!" He grinned. "We got presents to open!"

"I get to plug in the tree!" Hobbes grinned, happily as Calvin jumped off the bed.

"Good!" Calvin said. "Quickly, now, what time is it?"

Hobbes checked his watch.

"It's 4:30," He said.

"Hmm, can't wake Mom and Dad up for another 30 minutes. What do you say we go back to bed until then?" Calvin suggested.

Calvin and Hobbes exchanged glances.

"Nah, let's just go get 'em now," Hobbes said.

"Agreed!" Calvin cheered, running out into the hallway. "MOM!! DAD! WAKE UP! _**IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!**_"

**Happy Holidays  
**


End file.
